I tried for many years to become pregnant. I went through month after month of fertility treatments even injecting myself in the abdomen with needles and daily visits to the fertility clinic. I eventually did become pregnant and my husband and I were overjoyed. Early in the pregnancy I rushed to the hospital several times with heavy bleeding but I did not lose the baby. Because I was in my late thirties my doctors recommended an Amniocentesis Test. The results did not come back until I was late into the pregnancy. I find it difficult to forgive my doctors for this. The results came back that there was a chromasomal disorder that would cause severe retardation. Because of pregnancy complications, the doctor also told my husband that my life was at risk. I am ashamed to say that I was in such shock that I numbly allowed my doctors and husband to make my decision for me to end the pregnancy. Due to my advanced pregnancy the only abortion procedure was to inject a saline solution and force me to give birth to my dead baby. My husband stayed with me for a while but eventually couldn’t overcome his hatred of hospitals so he had to leave. I ended up, after a painful labour and, all by myself, giving birth to my baby into a toilet catch basin that the nurses had set up for me. My baby girl looked perfect. I held her and cried sitting on the floor in the bathroom until the nurses came and took her away. I was devastated because I could not get over the conviction that the hospital had made an error in my test and that my baby was normal but the doctors told me that it is often the case that the baby appears to be normal. Eventually my marriage ended because I relived the pain every time I saw my husband and I could not overcome the feeling that I had let him down. I am now living with PTSD and severe depression and my life will never be what anyone would consider normal. (Added to that is that I was sexually assaulted at work in a gov’t law office prior to my losing the baby and had to endure a poorly handled attempt to discipline the perpetrator.)
(I think my difficulty with being able to become pregnant was a result of sexual abuse as a child but I was so terrified of having to relive the horror that I didn’t even ask my doctors. Despite years of therapy, the thought of the abuse brought on panic attacks and suicidal depression. It was difficult enough to fight my way to enough sanity to even be able to attempt to have what others consider to be a normal life of having a family. As a result of my fears that I wouldn’t be able to cope, I did not marry until late in life.) And for anyone that thinks this sounds like something that would happen in an impoverished environment – I was from a middle class Canadian family and my husband was upper middle class. I went through an extremely expensive fertility clinic.
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